Queen Moonshine

The Wire

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 20:15:15 GMT

With a mere 43 episodes left of my impulsive "Oh fuck it, all of them" box set bonanza purchase, here are the characters I WOULD;

1. Jimmy
2. Omar
3. Lester
4. Kima

I am so very, very deep today.

Currently Worrying About...

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:27:09 GMT

...how many times in a single day I do or say something and think;

"Fuck me, this would make a good Facebook status update."

A Cuban Perpespective on Obama

Thu, 21 May 2009 21:48:07 GMT

From my utterly hatstand mother: http://cuban-sow.com/blog/2009/05/21/so-what-do-the-people-of-cuba-think-of-obama/

Name/ Job Title Correlation of the Day

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 14:51:15 GMT

Father Marco Fibbi, spokesman for the diocese of Rome.

Hello Oriental Friends!

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 18:16:36 GMT

And what are your opinions of this fine spring day?

Intriguing

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 23:53:08 GMT

Dear Parents,

The school will be holding a Science week beginning Monday 16^th March. The children will be investigating the strength of different structures and will need a packet of dried spaghetti and a bag of mini marshmallows to participate in the investigation. Please send these in with your child by 13^th March.

Thank you.

What ARE those little fuckers going to get up to?!

Uncharacteristic Product Appreciation

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 20:04:07 GMT

When you have a cold there is simply nothing better in the world than Happinose * It clears your sinuses and soothes your poor red hooter. I did a little impromptu dance of joy at finally managing to find a tube in Maidenhead.

*Other than my famous kill-your-cold-if-they-don't-kill-you toddies, of course, but you can't have those at your desk unless you work for a very liberal company. Or you're Charles Kennedy.

Obituary

Wed, 04 Mar 2009 19:03:36 GMT

We regret to announce the death of Dave Bird.

Dave was almost three years old and died in his sleep of old age. He was predeceased by his brother Digby (image above), the famous ear nibbler.

Dave's funeral took place in a wheelie bin and was attended by Moo Bird who read a short prayer of her own creation.

During his long life, Dave pissed on many shoulders and nibbled several things it would have been better if he didn’t, including the still warm corpse of his brother. Never a slave to convention, Dave famously tried to escape captivity by chewing his way into a bag of compost and waiting for bin day. Although his plan failed he will be remembered among the rat community of Cordwallis Road and the Bird family as a great trailblazer who shat in his food bowl.

Bishop Neglect

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 09:29:13 GMT

Have a nice big bishop to make up for the recent clerical drought:

In Which Good Memes Go Bad

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:20:55 GMT

YOUR SPY NAME
(middle name and current street name)

Jane Cordwallis

She’ll escape. She sounds dull, would probably pass under most people’s radar. Also, she almost definitely goes like the clappers in the bedroom

YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandmother/grandfather on your dad's side and your favourite candy-bar)

W.M. Topic

Now starring in multi Oscar-nominated box office smash, It’s Those Fucking Squirrels Again alongside Meryl Streep, Ray Winstone and Barry Scott (Golden Globe 2004 winner for Bang! And The Dirt is Gone!).

YOUR RAP NAME
(first initial of first name and first 3,4 or 5 letters of your last name)

E Bird

So my rap name is the same as my actual name? I’m the most disappointing rapper since, oh, all of them really.

YOUR GAMER TAG
(a favourite colour, a favourite animal)

Green Elephant

Like I’d have a gamer tag without the word “Arse” in it. Tsk. Like I'd have a gamer tag, come to think of it. Double tsk.

YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name, and the city you were brought up in)

Edith Enniscorthy

Coronation Street, 7.30, ITV:
It’s filthy granny action in The Kabin as Rita finally puts her bi-curiosity to rest with Edith behind the biscuit shelf. Vera joins in wielding a Vaseline coated packet of low-fat Hobnobs. Meanwhile, Kevin suspects he may be pregnant. Subtitles available for the deaf or stupid.

YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first three letters of your last name, last three letters of mother's maiden name, first three letters of your pet's name)

Bir Len Ber

I do hope I have fur. And a tail, I’d love to have a big bushy tail. I'd keep it nice and clean, wrap it round me in winter and shave it into rude shapes in summer. Oh the times, we'd have; me and my tail. Where were we again?

PORN STAR NAME
(first pet's name, the street you grew up on)

Minette Moran

Minette is well respected and admired among the porn industry and clergy for her ability to dislocate all her joints and bring herself to a powerful orgasm with her own hipbone (connected to the kneebone). See her now in Anal Fistfuck Fest Five (Nice cup of Bovril and a Chat).

SUPERHERO NAME
("The", your favourite colour and the car your dad drives)

The Green Bicycle

Fear me O Nemesis! I have a puncture repair kit and an aching arse!

YOUR ACTION HERO NAME
(first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate)

Maria Stew

She climbs, she shoots, she contains potatoes…

Hello And Stuff

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:38:43 GMT

I have joined the ranks of the unemployed which is shit. I may elaborate when I don't feel so poo about it.

Anyway, for reasons known only to myself, I now have a Twitter account: http://twitter.com/Moonshine_PR

Add me you ~~fucks~~ lovely, lovely friends.

Bird x

The Trustworthy Encyclopaedia

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 13:21:51 GMT

I am very ashamed of myself. Almost every thing I thought I knew was wrong.

Luckily today, I discovered http://www.conservapedia.com/

From just one sample article on Barack HUSSEIN Obama I have learnt the following Trustworthy Facts:

•    Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a Muslim. Defo on that one. And an atheist as well.

•    Barack HUSSEIN Obama is the first Communist-Extremist-Muslim terrorist to gain control over America's nuclear weapons. How pant-wettingly terrifying is that?

•    Barack HUSSEIN Obama hates the American flag and would love to replace it with a hammer and sickle motif

•    Barack HUSSEIN Obama is an upper class snob and also badly brought up, stupid and dishonest

•    Barack HUSSEIN Obama loves abortions and would rip the foetuses from his daughters’ wombs were they to get knocked up

I had to stop reading halfway through as I was so furious at that lying atheist Muslim. The devious bastard. I bet he isn’t even really black.

Also re. The Clinton Witch “It was an exemplary show of her lack of Christian morals when she barely raised an eyebrow upon learning of her husband's affair with another woman.”

I hadn’t seen it like that before. I had seen it as determination to hold her head up high and get on with her career while not ruining her husband’s one. I’m so glad that I now know the truth.

Do visit http://www.conservapedia.com/ and find out the truths the Marxist media try to hide. It’s the trustworthy encyclopaedia.

Warning: actually reading anything on http://www.conservapedia.com/ may make you tear your own eyes out and eat them in sheer despair.

Gay.

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 16:03:45 GMT

I've been abandoned.

I am the only non-hungover person in the entire company and they've all pissed off. That'll teach me to not get utterly shitfaced then.

I want to go and drive my lovely new car around for a while. Is anyone going to ring between now and 5? Could I reasonably leg it? What lies can I tell if caught deserting my post?

Good News!

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 12:26:29 GMT

I am wearing new trousers today.

They are very nice trousers.

:-(

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:38:15 GMT

One great successful day, today was.

Just realised about ten minutes ago that I hadn't fed the rats. Went to do so.

Found the lovely, nibbly Digby Bird very dead indeed. Big bro Dave Bird had eaten his face and quite a lot of his inners (rats clearly mourn slightly differently than we do) so I can't let Moo have a proper burial for the poor little sod. I've said my goodbyes, wrapped him up as best I can and put him in the bin with about as much ceremony as one can when binning a chewed up dead rodent.

I feel quite sad and dread imparting the news to Moo in the morning. She's going to be gutted and I'm going to have to come up with an elaborate lie about where his little corpse is.

I can hear Dave enjoying double rations.

The cunt.

Lipstick, I think...

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 16:40:31 GMT

It seems like ages ago that I was up until 5.30 watching the US turn blue. I remain chuffed about the result for two very important reasons:

Sarah Palin’s Face.

Very similar to Michael Portillo’s face all those years ago when he got beaten in his safe seat by that little gay Labour chap whose name is lost to me, being only the man who made Michael Portillo 85% less smug. I met Portillo once and he was quite nice, but still; his face, eh?!

I like to imagine that Moose Woman had a very similar look on her face all those years ago when she came second in Miss Alaska, presumably to a pittbull in lipstick, hence the ongoing obsession.

Yes, You did

Obama truly transcends the colour of his skin through the content of his character, he’s fresh and exciting. Race shouldn’t be a factor in any case; my excitement (and I assume most others’) comes not from his colour, but from his inclusive, socialist principles. That’s progress and change, right there. He’s not that blooming black anyway.

I have yet to gauge the opinion of my cynical Cuban mother, being as she is in the middle of another bloody hurricane, but I will bring it to you, dear reader as soon as I get it or can be arsed, whichever happens first. In the meantime, the last hurricane tales will be painstakingly typed up over a glass of vino later and can be seen at my mum’s work in progress blog : Conversations with a Cuban Sow (http://cuban-sow.com) .

Bird Out x

Something which I like a lot....

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 11:18:06 GMT

...and which you may, or may not care about, is the Guardian's Reel History blog.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/series/reelhistory

U to the C to the K

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 09:31:13 GMT

The hangover I had yesterday had clearly read Dr Henry H Hangover’s Guide to Being a Really Bad Hangover (Penguin, 1996). I suspect it paid particular attention to the chapters pertaining to;

Consuming everything made of liquid or bread in the whole house

Being suddenly and violently sick

Sleeping all day
A deep sense of regret

Making NIDIs* ten times more painful than is necessary

I never want to drink ever again.

*Non-Identifiable Drinking Injuries, does not refer to my battered elbow which is identifiable, having been obtained when Gibbs hurled me to the floor for no apparent reason. Bloody Gibbs.

Top Marks for Effort

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 13:02:57 GMT

Open Letter

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 11:18:12 GMT

Dear Liza,

I recently purchased from you an S200 Model Water Transport Device (bucket).

There is a hole in my bucket. I have tried to fix it using straw (as per advice recieved from yourselves) but this created more problems than it solved, the straw being too long, my knife too blunt, my inability to sharpen said knife due to the fact that I could not carry water from the well to wet the stone to sharpen the knife due to the original problem of hole in bucket.

I found your customer service line most unhelpful. Several times they advised me on the procedure to mend my bucket, but we just went round in circles due to the issues mentioned above.

I demand to know what you propose to do about this situation. Clearly I expect better from a bucket dealer of your calibre and I look forward to your service department issuing me with adequately trimmed straw or a replacement bucket.

Yours sincerely,

Henry

Quick request...

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 13:57:02 GMT

HORSE ME!

The Bird Household- Now with KITTUN!

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 08:48:15 GMT

Main Characters: Em Bird, your humble narrator, Moo Bird, sixannahalf and resident scuz magnet, Digby and Dave Bird, comedy rats, Milly Bird, characterful car, various occasional human waifs and strays. And now introducing Untitled Cat Bird, a small ball of fluff and mewing noises acquired last night.

Untitled Cat is playful and cuddly in one squeaky bundle. She took a full ten minutes to decide that my house was her house, having a good explore and a fight with my gym bag before settling down for a power nap in a pile of clean pants. She spent the night curled up tight in my armpit, it was adorable. The sadly absent and very missed Moo Bird will explode with joy upon her return on Monday.

Happiness is an unnamed kitten.

A Quiet Announcement...

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:39:29 GMT

I BLOODY PASSED MY BLOODY DRIVING TEST INNIT!!!!!

As you were.

ARSE.

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 09:45:50 GMT

I need a clear head and plenty of energy today, top form, firing on all cylinders, that sort of thing. So, with this in mind I planned my evening very carefully for last night to give myself the optimum chance of success…

The Good Intentions

Pick up Moo, go home, put potato in oven, go to gym, come home eat jacket potato with cheese, veg, salmon steak, drink smoothies. All very healthy and sensible stuff, all followed by a hot bath and bed by 10. The this morning I’d have a healthy breakfast, fruit and lots of water through the day to keep my brain alert.

The Road to Hell

Trip to supermarket for healthy well intentioned things, pick Moo up from Liz, Liz says “fancy a quick glass of wine before you go home?”. I get home six hours later, stomach empty bar six glasses of wine and two Pepperami sausages.

Oh fuck.

Hello!

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:47:31 GMT

Here be a brief round-up of the (very few) nice things which have happened over the past otherwise doom laden month;

One of my very favourite things in life are conversations where people run with their own and each other’s imaginations, seamlessly creating a fantasy world from out of their brains. Last night, for example, Toby and I were in the middle of a political rant and before we knew it we had formed our own government, complete with election manifesto, policies, full cabinet and a new and very important Ministry of Big Shiny Hats.

Team Bird cleaned up at Sports Day yesterday, Moo proving her mettle against fierce competition and taking all the glory in the proper running events, although she clearly considered the “run ten yards then put on a jumper and hat race” beneath her dignity, crawling in forth in that one.

Poor Tall French Nancy had a bad day at work yesterday, so I cooked her a nice dinner and we drank a bottle of wine and made holiday plans. Holiday plans are always a boost, even if I’ll have to acquire a temporary second job to pay for it all. I may ask Tommy for a few shifts at the Hob, although it would probably be considerably more sanitary just to give a few hand jobs behind the station.

While on my way to pick up my Hop Farm ticket from Mr Happy at the sorting office, I saw a little bald coot happily swimming in a discarded washing up bowl full of rain water. Ruddy thing scarpered before I had a chance to take a picture, scared off by my spazzing around for my camera, but it was damnably cute and made me smile for ages.

Hop Farm itself. Like the weather, my mood took a quite dramatic turn and I went from bouncing around like an imp to Supergrass to embarrassing free flowing tears to Neil Young. Ten plus pints of weak lager may have played a part in this, but I can’t be sure…

Scroobius Pip vs Dan le Sac live at Norden Farm. They were unimpressed by the lack of livestock, I was unimpressed with the retards sitting behind me. Set was awesome.

The best curry and evening out in Eton. It was full of braying post-Ascot retards who gave us comedy rage. Jim complimented me on my new perfume by greeting me with “you smell nicer than usual, have you washed your vagina?” and we all proceeded to get very drunk indeed. I found an unconscious Adam Gilbert face down on my sofa in the morning, snuggled up under a My Little Pony blanket.

The rest has all been big smelly balls in every imaginable way, I’m afraid. I can only apologise if I’ve been absent, neglectful or very, very dull but I find it easier when depressed just to wallow in self pity until I can take no more. The novelty soon wears off.